im six kinds of drunk right now
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
