i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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