yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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