a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
