hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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