half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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