There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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