apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
