There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
