I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
