that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
