I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
