: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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