I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
