My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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