i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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