2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
