I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
