i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
