I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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