I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
