i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
