I cut my penus on the lid.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
