im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
