Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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