I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
