He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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