my vag is so smooth its legendary
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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