Your face is a jimmy john
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
