Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
