My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
