I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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