Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
