how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
