I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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