I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
