She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
