I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
