I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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