Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
