I have demons in me.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
