Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
