made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
