he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
