Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
