i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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