Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
