Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
