I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
