Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I want a musical about memes.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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